U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we should paint friendship bongs
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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