I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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