How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
