Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
