remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
