having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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