I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
