JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
