Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
