i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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