i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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