You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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