I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
