I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
