can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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