The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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