a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
