You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
