I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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