my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
