I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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