I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Come share oat with me in your robe
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
