Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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