dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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