i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
