my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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