they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
