I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
