I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
