so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
This toilet bowl is my home.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
