I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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