if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
