It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
