my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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