I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
