Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
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We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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