Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
My ass is underappreciated
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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