dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
