Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
