when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
