I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
