a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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