don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
