I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
