What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
