I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
