It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
