I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
