This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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