I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
