I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
