Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
