i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
